


Let's be friend, da ?

by Hiaennyddei



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: But mainly it's Russia's dysfunctionnal attempts at friendship, Can be slash if you want, Crack, Gen, gen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 20:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4318770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiaennyddei/pseuds/Hiaennyddei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Russia and Prussia got arrested for fighting in a bar. Prussia is not pleased.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's be friend, da ?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on FF.net at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8900540/1/Let-s-be-friends-da  
> Warning : Swearing, human names used as well as nation names.
> 
> Disclaimer : I don’t own Hetalia.

**Washigton, USA.**

**In a cell of a police station.**

 

“You started this. Your fault.” Russia said accusingly at the (very noisy and annoying) former nation in front of him.

“What !? No way ! It was you who was acting like a bastardish brat and who began to annoy me !” Prussia replied angrily.

“It was you who punched me first.”

“You deserved it !”

“That’s not true !” Russia pouted. “And still, one mustn’t attack people when in a bar ! When we’re at a World Meeting, it’s okay, since we do it all the time, but when there are humans around us…”

“How was I supposed to guess that they would call the cops !?”

Ivan sighed. “You really are hopeless…”

“Ow shut up ! I’m awesome !” Gilbert retorted. “Why am I speaking with you in the first place ? I’m too awesome for that !”

“Mmm… Let me guess…” the Russian made a thinking face. The first effect of it was to stop all of Prussia’s grumbles.  _Fuck, he’s so cute when making this face… Wait what am I thinking about !? He’s not cute ! He’s a bipolar freak who used to beat you up with a water pipe for fun ! He’s not cute ! At all !_

“Mmm, Prussia ? Watching you hitting your face on the wall is very funny, but are you sure you‘re okay ?” Ivan asked, tilting his head.

“I’m okay ! I’m okay ! I’m perfectly okay !”  _Yes, of course I’m okay ! One can be both cute_ and  _bipolar ! Which is even creepier !_ the albino thought , hitting his forehead a couple more time before sitting down, his head in his hands.

“Fuck, that hurt…” he complained.

“Moron.” Russia replied.

“Am not.”

“You are.”

“Am not.”

“You are.”

“Am not !”

“Then why were you hitting your head on the wall ?”

“Well because… Err… Because I’m awesome ! That’s it !”

“Is it awesome to hit your head on the wall ?”

“I hit my head on the wall, all the things I do are awesome, so hitting one’s head on the wall is awesome ! Kesesese !” the Prussian concluded, very proud of his reasoning. Ivan mentally facepalmed. Gilbert really was… err… was..?

Unclassifiable. That was the word.

“Well,” the Russian sighed. “to answer your question…”

“Which question ?” Prussia cut him.

“‘Why are you speaking with me ?’” Russia answered. “You’ve already forgotten ? You really have a short memory.”

“Hey, it wasn’t a real quest-”

“So to answer it,” Ivan cut him. “I think you’re speaking with me because you can’t stay alone doing nothing for more than three minutes without getting bored !” he continued, beaming.

“Oh really ? Well, we’ll see that ! I won’t say a word for three minutes !” Prussia retorted. This childish smile of Ivan’s was beginning to get on his nerves. Not only the smile to be true. His childish voice and face and eyes and behavior and everything too. Actually, everything about the Russian was just annoying him.

“Ow, but it’s not funny…” Russia pouted childishly.  _Fuck why does he have to be so cute._

… _I’ve never thought that. Forget everything you’ve read._

“Ah, I’ve got an idea !” Ivan continued. “What about betting something ?”

Gilbert glared at the taller man.  _Don’t go in his little game. It won’t end up well._

“No way. I won’t fall in whatever mischievous trap you’ve planned.”

“So you imply that you could fail at  _remaining silent for three minutes_ ?”

“Oh fuck you ! It’s okay ! If I win, you’ll stop bothering me for a month !”

“All right. If you lose,” Russia grinned not-so-childishly. “You’ll let me hang out with you and your friends for a month.”

Prussia raised an eyebrow. He had expected worse. Something like, ‘If you lose, you’ll be my slave for a month’ or ‘I’ll use you as a guinea pig to test my new torture technique’.

…Now that he was thinking about, hanging out with Russia for a month was perhaps worse than being tortured for a day. The two things could easily drive one insane.

“Ok. Three minutes from now.” Gilbert concluded before sitting in a corner and folding his arms.

Ivan stood up, walked to the Prussian and began to poke his side. The albino sent him a dark look, but didn’t move.

After two minutes of incessant poking, Prussia was drumming his fingers on the floor angrily, staring at his watch like if his life was depending on it. Well, in a sense his life _was_ depending on it, but still.

Russia decided that it was time for him to act.

“Hey, Prussia…”

No answer.

“I fucked your brother.”

The reaction was immediate.

“WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAVE YOU JUST SAID YOU FUCKING BASTARD !” Gilbert shouted, grabbing Ivan’s scarf. The Prussian tackled his opponent on the floor and punched him, aiming at his jaw. Russia easily caught his fist and twisted his wrist before grabbing the shorter man’s neck. He pushed him away and, before the albino could react, threw a powerful kick to his stomach. He former nation went flying for two meters before crashing on the cell’s wall, spitting out blood and vomit.

“I was joking.” The Russian said with his childish smile.

“You’ve better… urgh… not be lying… gurgl…” Prussia replied, sitting up.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I think you’ve lost your bet though.”

Gilbert stared at him eyes wide open for a few seconds before turning to the wall and sighing. “Sheisse”

Ivan chuckled. It was so funny to fuck with his mind. 

* * *

 

**The next day.**

**At the World Meeting.**

 

“Hi everybody ! The hero is here !” America shouted, slamming the door open. Too bad, there was only one person to hear his far-too-loud greetings.

"Oh, _privjet,_ Amerika.” Russia answered.

“Ay, the commie bastard is the only one here..? Fuck, so boring…”

“Amerika ?” Ivan added, ignoring Alfred’s previous statement.

“Yeah ?”

“Thanks for getting us out of jail yesterday.”

“Oh, it was nothing, really. After all, I’m the hero ! Hahaha !” the American answered loudly. “And anyway,” he added, his face darkening, “I didn’t do it for you, but for Gilbert. I couldn’t let him alone with you. Unlike you, I’m not cruel.”

“Which mean that if it had been only me, you would have let me there ?” Ivan asked while a dark aura was beginning to surround him.

“You’re perfectly right !” The American answered. “But before you start a fight,” he added while Russia was standing up. “you should wonder what you would have done in my place. You’d have let me too, amIright ?”

Ivan stared at him for a few seconds, then sighed and sat down. Da, he was right.

...for once.

After a few minutes of cold-warish silence, America decided that he was starving and that he needed to get a few hamburgers from the cafeteria. He walked to the door and he was about to go out when something popped in his mind.

"By the way, Russia.” He began while turning to the Slavic nation. “Gilbert told me about the bet.”

“Ah.”

“Why did you only asked him to let you hang out with him ? You could have asked much more, he always take up challenges anyway.”

“You think I should have asked him to be my slave, or something like that ?” the Russian asked, tilting his head.

“It would have been much more like you.”

“You don’t think highly of me, right ?” Ivan looked away, a somewhat sad expression on his face. “Well, so does everybody…”

“Shut up and answer the question, commie bastard. I want to go and get hamburgers before I faint from hunger.”

“I don’t need a slave.” Russia finally answered, looking up. “I used to have a lot of them, and I guessed that I experienced some sort of contentment with them. But then they left. Every single one of them left me without remorse. Even I can learn. I don’t need slaves. I need friends.”

Alfred sighed. Why couldn’t he try to get friends the _normal_ way, instead of manipulating one poor nation to force him to befriend with him ?

Well, the American had better to do than losing himself in the labyrinth of Russia’s soul – if he had one. Turning away from the older nation, he walked out and closed the door, leaving Ivan alone with his twisted befriending plans.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sheisse (German) : Sh*t  
> Privjet (Russian) : Hello


End file.
